March 4, 2015

Bah Humbug

Well, it's two weeks before Christmas.  I have just celebrated three birthdays -- two kiddos and one hubby -- and I am just plum out of any Yuletide spirit.  I have been feeling very bleh for the past couple of weeks and it has been extremely hard to find any small bit of joy.  It has also rained most of the past couple of weeks which has just added to my funk.

I have written before about how severe my depression gets and at this time of year, I especially feel the blues.  Don't get me wrong.  Christmas is my holiday.  I love the crisp weather, the decorations, the Christmas spirit, the story of the Christ Child, and especially the Christmas music.  I have to say that I'm more into the traditional Christmas music that tends to be sung at church than the more non-denominational "holiday" music that is befitting most holiday celebrations during this time of year.  This year though, I just haven't managed to find my joy.  I have been worrying a lot about work lately and what I would really like to do in my career.  So that hasn't exactly gotten me in the mood for Christmas either.

During November, I participated in a 21-day Meditation offered by Oprah and Deepak Chopra.  I found it to be very helpful to help me to center myself and to concentrate on things I needed to accomplish.  Each day I concentrated on one mantra and recited several times a day when my thoughts would begin to drift back into the doldrums.  I saw a video from Upward, a Facebook page, that related depression to a "Big Black Dog".  If you get a chance, take a look at it.  It is really spot on - forgive the pun -- about how depression makes you feel mentally, emotionally, and physically.  Some times that Big Black Dog comes around and he just doesn't want to leave.  I have to redevelop my coping skills to keep the Big Black Dog at bay and live a more fulfilling life.  There is still so much I want to do and being depressed all of the time doesn't help me to get things done.

It's going to be time for me to clean house and clear the cobwebs from my brain.  I am going to have to confront some situations in my life that I have allowed to bother me and I am simply at a point where I am too tired to deal with them.  When I regain my strength to handle them, I am coming out full force, and I will be moving into a better place.  I am ready to sever ties, drop negative energy, and get rid of anything in my life that is not helping me or my family to feel healthy.  This is going to take some time and I admit that I have to make the effort to take the steps necessary to change things.  I hate this tired feeling, but I have to turn it around.