February 11, 2011

Feelings...Nothing More than Feelings

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I remember that song from the 70's and the many spoofs that spawned from it. But there is nothing like having that aching feeling in the bottom of your stomach; the one that just tugs at you. It's the feeling you get from loneliness and it's that feeling that causes a person to eat. Because of the longing feeling, you find that is not satiety or fulfillment so food quickly becomes a way to satisfy the longing.

I have that feeling tonight. I have the feeling where I feel all alone. I realize that there are billions of people on this planet, but when it comes down to it, I am alone in my own skin. I'm not feeling the love. I'm not feeling the power that I have within me. I'm just not feeling like myself, and I hate this. I feel empty even though I have so much going for myself, and it just eats me up inside. I hate this feeling.

I have a chemical imbalance where my brain doesn't produce enough serotonin and, apparently, it's hereditary. It really sucks, too.  Sometimes I can be on top of the world, and then cry at the drop of a hat. I have severe depression. I'm not manic or bipolar or anything like that, but I do have bouts where I don't want to get out of bed, or all I want to do is sleep. Then there are the times that all I want to do is eat. Before WLS, on a night like tonight, I would have downed a pint of ice cream without blinking. I just wouldn't have had a second thought about it.

Apres WLS, I find new things to occupy my time where I don't feel compelled to put something in my mouth just to satisfy a feeling. Blogging about being depressed has helped me because it allows me to talk about what I feel and hopefully what I write about can and will help other people. I want to live a happy life and I know that it is a choice, but sometimes I don't always feel like choosing. Sometimes I just don't want to do anything, or think about anything. All I want to do is just to sit and think.  I can have my stomach rearranged and guts removed, but the part of the brain that stores all of the pent up feelings is still there.

I will begin writing a series of how I have dealt with depression, medication, therapy, and my general well-being. I believe it is important to talk about these things when thinking about weight loss, and weight loss surgery because you have to have the right frame of mind in order to focus on the journey. Please stay tuned for more information and check back for the next installation.

Make sure to post your comments, too. Your feedback is appreciated.


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