October 4, 2010

My Secret Lover -- Food

I'm coming clean with everyone today about my secret love affair with -- organ music  dnh dnh dnnnh! -- FOOD.  OMG!  I can't tell you what the smell of freshly baked bread does to me without being too graphic, but let's just say:  oooooooooo!  

Food has been my most dependable lover for the better part of my life.  When I'm happy, it is there for me.  When I sad or pissed off at the world, Food understands what I'm feeling and again, it is there for me.  It's been there for parties, holidays, funerals, even one time when I was fired from a job, there was food right before I was escorted out!  Food has been there for me when I thought no one else was. 

We had our secret liaisons -- a pint of Ben & Jerry's Chubby Hubby.  Sometimes a piece of fried chicken and a biscuit, or just a Starbucks Mocha Frappiccino. At night is when our romantics would heat up.  If I was unable to sleep, I would stole away downstairs and find some unsuspecting cracker with cream cheese, or cookies, or whatever it took to satisfy my desire.  It was the taste, or texture, or "umami" that I told myself I was searching for, but only to find that once you have the "taste", it's the same the second time. 

I grew more and more to dislike myself because when I looked in the mirror, what I saw disgusted me.  As my dislike grew, the more  I took advantage of food in order to make me happy.  I took Food's kindness for weakness and I often times over indulged myself in its never waning generosity.   I ate because it was comforting and didn't think about any of the repercussions of this time-bomb of a relationship until my health began to degrade, slowly, but surely. 

One day, Food and I came to understanding and I told it that we couldn't continue our relationship as it was.  My thoughts raced!  How could I give it up, it's been so patient and good to me?  I weighed myself, and then weighed my options for a healthier lifestyle and decided our decadent liaison had to end.  I had children to raise, a husband who loved me, and I didn't want any co-morbidities to start sneaking up on me.  I had to change.  I had to end our passionate, indulgent relationship.

In ending my dependent relationship with food, I am able to recognize my "triggers" for stress or situational eating.  It has taken a long time to start recognizing these signals -- just wasn't an aha moment for me.  It was as if I started dating all over again, and I was looking for queues and body language from new paramours!  I'm looking at myself differently, and learning to love myself, differently, and in a manner I should be accustomed -- healthfully, and prayerfully.  I loved food, but I love me more!

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